Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Ok who’s got my black socks?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
How high do the levels go?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly