Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
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New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Morning my dudes.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Can Happiness buy money?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
lol
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes