God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
never deleting this app.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead