They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.