Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
You Might Also Like
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
couldn’t resist
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.