One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
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[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.