My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.