If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
You Might Also Like
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?