If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.