Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
philosophical skeletons be like
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?