3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.