I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”