If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
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Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles