I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it