(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
You Might Also Like
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.