Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
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I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?