This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?