whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] š¶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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Give a man a fish and he will think, āwhat a creepy gift.ā
Teach a man to fish and he will think, āMy god, I have never known such boredom.ā
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh youāll figure it out
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Not to say my family is messy but Iāve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said āit feels like Iām rubbing a pigā, in case anyone wonders why Iām drunk later.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday š
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesnāt remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the thirdā¦
Hi Iām an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear youāre a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellenās show, who sees me walking onto ellenās show*
both meās: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]