My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Cheer up.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge