*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
You Might Also Like
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi