Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
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Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.