If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
pat pat
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff