Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
You Might Also Like
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
need a new bf mines broken 😐
somebody come look at this