[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not