HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”