LOL!
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this