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I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us