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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
How I’d get arrested…
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?