It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]