Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.