God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
You Might Also Like
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: