Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
This anagram machine is out of order.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.