I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Buying a well is money well spent.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.