It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Worst perfume name ever.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Never go to sleep after making me angry
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy