[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.