Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Choose your fighter
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Meme Monday.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.