Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.