*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
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I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Yoga Matt
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself