i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.