If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
listen closely
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets