On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
#MeanwhileInCanada
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow