“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My beach vacation Google searches
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary