I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards