I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore