biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
opening twitter today
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious