I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
This was my dad’s browser history.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey