Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card