me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
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Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today