The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You Might Also Like
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
bugs when you lift up a rock