every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.